Biography of Humpy The He-Goat

Born some odd twenty-something years ago to proud parents, Billy and Brenda Humpy, little Humpy started out like every other kid. He loved to laugh, cry, poop, sing, and most importantly, grab things and stick his finger into things; those were the early days, the formative years that molded Humpy into the proud billy-goat he is today.

 As I set about writing this biography, I promised myself that in the pursuit of truth and good writesmanship only I shall pay attention to only the important details of his life to date, shed light on his great moments, and give generations to come someone, or better yet, something to learn from.

Very early in life, little Humpy had already decided on where he was headed and what he wanted to be. the year was 1986, the Moral Instruction class when Mrs. Fletcher, the form instructor, asked the question (containing these ten words) that changed little Humpy's life forever - What Would You Like To Be When You Grow Up? 

Bursting with energy and literally glowing from the 'invincible' 200-watt bulb hovering above his head/struggling for space with the ever-present halo (the sign of innocence that all babies have and which they lose after they have their first sustained naughty thought), Humpy raised his hand to signal to his teacher his intention to speak.


Yes, Humpy, she said calmly and encouragingly, He shot up like the Apollo space probe destined for greatness in outer space... I want to be a He-Goat, not the animal though, but a He-goat like my uncle Willie, ma! (silence, then more silence). Everything froze in time, the drops of water seeping from the tap in the corner of the room, the wind, the hearts of the little kids, their eyes (blink-less) even Charlie, the foulest kid in the class froze in mid-fart! 

As if unaware of the effect of his proclamation on everyone/thing around him, he continued...

I want to be a he-goat, they have all the fun and no one ever gives them much of a hassle, SIT DOWN, Mrs. Fletcher said (finally able to speak after the initial shock and after wrestling with her inner demons who somehow held her accountable for Humpy's utterances). little Humpy sat, not understanding her sudden aggression towards him, he turned to Little Johnny his best mate for advice... None came.

Uncle Willie was a man around town, many a time, little Humpy had seen Mrs. Fletcher steal knowing looks at him, and then mutter some unprintable words under her breath which always ended with a curse and the words 'foolish He-goat'. Uncle Willie was a local legend and the source of pride for the Humpy Clan.

At age 3, he had his first kiss, at Age 12, he had become the local heart-breaker, and at age 18, he had become listed on the local stock exchange as an export-grade service/service provider, what was his trade? well, how about you ask Mrs. Fletcher and get yourself a talking-to that would end in a lot of unprintable words... (rumour even has it that Williamina, the good looking village-bicycle, and daughter of Mrs. Fletcher, was fathered by him) well, the apple truly doesn't fall far from the tree... I am guessing that partly explains the nature of Uncle Willie and Mrs. Fletcher's unspoken feud.

In his teens, Humpy did live up to the reputation of his favourite Uncle Willie; having spent one too many a night running down the streets being chased by fathers and brothers of innocent little girls and devilish little girls alike; from all of this, he learned one key lesson:  irrespective of what the girls' fathers said or did, Okafor's Law reigned supreme.

Now in his 20s, a vibrant fellow, a regular chip off the old block, Humpy has been severally described, by several, as mean, a heart-breaker, cheat, a deceiver, an unrepentant flirt, a user, and more. Most importantly, he, just last week, finally achieved his lifelong aim, the coveted title (worn proudly by one person per generation of Humpy's), He-Goat!

Humpy, in the middle of a well-laid-out candle-lit dinner for two, finally got the title bestowed upon him in grand fashion, he was knighted Humpy the He-Goat by Sheila, his latest lover and victim!, How was he knighted you dare ask?

A slap, no, make that two, a glass of Merlot poured in his face and trickling down to his snow white shirt (well starched and well creased on all edges), as she uttered the words, I hate you, and I hope you get hit by an airplane, you rabid He-Goat!  ...in utter bewilderment, he got down on one knee and wiped the sting of the matured vino from his eyes...

When he arose, he arose a changed man, the feeling of accomplishment, overwhelming.. he had a teardrop in his eye as he arose, overcome with emotion...

He was finally there and had earned the title reserved for a chosen few...He had become one with the force, he had become Humpy, the He-Goat!

- end -

credits: Image culled from Google Images